


(hope that i'm able to be) all that you need

by SmileHoney



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Aromantic Toph Beifong, Asexual Zuko (Avatar), Child Abuse, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gay Zuko (Avatar), Homophobia, Internalized Acephobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Past Relationship(s), Supportive Sokka (Avatar), The ace zuko/aro toph solidarity we deserve, Zuko (Avatar)-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 03:49:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28593525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmileHoney/pseuds/SmileHoney
Summary: Because that was the only outcome that Zuko could see. Sokka deserved someone who could give him all that he needed and wanted, and that person just… That person wasn’t Zuko, and that wasn’t going to change.And so Sokka kept asking, and Zuko kept putting it off.or,Zuko’s struggle with being gay and asexual, as examined through the lens of his various relationships through the years.
Relationships: Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 75
Kudos: 415





	(hope that i'm able to be) all that you need

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hiraethia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiraethia/gifts).



> There's not nearly enough asexual Zuko content out there, so... I wrote it myself after seeing [this](https://hi-raethia.tumblr.com/post/639315830821273601/watcha-got-on-your-hands-there-some-aro-ace) amazing art by hi-raethia (on [tumblr](https://hi-raethia.tumblr.com/) and [ao3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiraethia)).
> 
> As a disclaimer; being aro/ace is different for everyone. This fic is entirely based on my experiences with being ace, dating, and coming out, as well as lots of research into aromanticism. So the things I've written about might not look like what someone else experiences, and that's okay. It doesn't make anyone's identity more or less real <3
> 
> I've rated it teen, but since this fic is exploring sexual attraction, or I guess Zuko's lack of it, there are a couple moments where people are talking about or referencing sex. It's nothing graphic, which is why I didn't make it mature, just know that it's there.
> 
> Title is from Never Be Me by Miley Cyrus. 10/10 song. I highly recommend listening to it as you read.
> 
> EDIT: my amazing friend Terra made art for this fic and it's truly everything to me. Please check it out and give her love [here!](https://terracyte.tumblr.com/post/641225619299090432/so-what-do-you-think-i-think-thatll-work)

The first person Zuko ever dated was Jin. 

They were in kindergarten, and it went the way most childhood relationships go, beginning because they sat next to each other in class, talking eagerly about their favorite colors and animals. At recess they played tag, racing around the field and laughing brightly. At lunch they unveiled their bento boxes together and compared what their mother’s had sent them to school with, and sometimes they even dared to share little bits of their meals, swapping sushi rolls for gyoza, strawberries for cucumbers, rice balls for tea sandwiches. 

The first day that he’d come home and told his mother excitedly about his new friend, she’d laughed and pulled him close to her as she asked, “You seem to like her an awful lot, Zuko. Would you like her to be your girlfriend someday?”

He shrugged- at just four years old, he’d never really thought about it, but he supposed he might. “I guess,” he’d mumbled, deep in thought with a frown on his face. “I like playing tag with her. And I like her pigtails.”

Ursa had chuckled again, pressed a kiss to his head, and said, “Jin sounds like a very nice girl.”

The next day, Jin had her hair tied into pigtails with shimmery blue bows- his favorite color of all the hair ties she had- and he remembered what his mother had asked him. He hadn’t lied to her when she asked- he did like playing with her and he liked her pigtails, so at recess he decided to ask, shyly kicking at the ground as he did. 

“I like being your friend, Jin. Do you want to maybe... be my girlfriend?”

She’d smiled wide, showing off her missing teeth as she did, and agreed, “Yeah! That sounds fun.”

“Okay! Cool.” They looked at each other for a moment, cheeks stained pink. Zuko didn’t really know what to do now- he’d never had a girlfriend before, so he asked, “Um… What do we do now?”

Jin shrugged, looking around the play yard for something to do. Her eyes snagged on the empty grid of chalk squares on the ground. “Do you want to play Hopping Chicken?”

He grinned, already taking off across the yard. “Race you!”

And just like that, they were dating. Not much changed, except that sometimes they’d hold hands as they walked from class to the play yard, or that they’d share their desserts at lunch now too, something that they’d never done before. 

It began without fanfare, continued on for a while without fanfare, and a month and a half later, ended without fanfare.

Jin was the one to bring it up at recess, sitting under a willow tree to catch their breath from a high energy game of tag that they’d just finished. 

“Hey Zuko?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think we should break up?”

He shrugged, looking at her. Her fingers twiddled idly in her lap and she refused to return his gaze, so he knocked her knee with his own. “I don’t know. Is that what you want?”

“Um… Well… Sort of? Not because I don’t like you, or anything, but-”

“Okay,” he agreed amicably, cutting her off.

She looked at him in shock. “You aren’t mad?”

“No. You’re my friend. I could never be mad at you!” He paused, thinking. “Unless you don’t want to be my friend anymore, either. Then I might be a little upset.”

She giggled. “No, silly! Of course I still want to be your friend.”

“Okay, good. I still want to be your friend, too, because you might be my best one.” 

They sat there together until their teacher called for them to go back to class, and then they got up and walked back side by side, just like they always did.

A small part of him, deep down, was relieved, though. At a month and a half, the other kids in their class had started asking when- despite only being four years old- they were going to have their first kiss, and Zuko… He wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t really want to kiss her. He liked her, sure, but maybe it was better this way. 

At least as friends, they could still do all the things they normally did. 

At least as friends, no one would expect him to kiss her. 

⃟⃟⃟

When Zuko was eight, he met Mai for the very first time. She was a new student at their school, and even though she was only seven and should’ve been in the year below him, she was in his class. 

She was quiet and smart, maybe the smartest person he’d ever met- she was good at math and science, all of the areas he wanted to be good in but struggled terribly. He supposed she was cute, too, with her hair tied up in two buns on top of her head and short bangs covering her forehead. She didn’t dress like any other seven year old he’d ever met, preferring dark reds and blacks to the brightly colored clothing their peers wore, and it was the first thing he ever spoke to her about.

“I like your leggings,” he said boldly one day, placing his lunch box down at the seat across the lunch table from where she sat, wearing a black and red dress over a pair of black and white striped leggings. She was next to her best friend, Ty Lee, a bubbly girl who always wore bright pink. 

She looked up at him with a blank expression and said, a question in her voice, “Thank you?”

“It makes you look like a vampire. It’s cool.”

She smiled suddenly, sitting up a little straighter and looking down at the lace overlay of her dress. “You think so?”

He sat down and, opening his lunch box when she didn’t say anything about him sitting with her, nodded. “Yeah, I do. I’m Zuko.”

“Mai,” she returned. “Do  _ you _ like vampires?”

“Well, I prefer dragons,” he gestured to his lunchbox, which had the print of a red and blue dragon circling each other on it, and Mai nodded sagely, “but I do like vampires too. The original  _ Dracula _ is the best, though. Not any of the cartoon remakes that are on television, because they got it all wrong.”

“You know what, Zuko? I like you,” Mai grinned again, shyly this time.

Her compliment made something warm bubble up in him, and he smiled back joyfully. “I like you too, Mai.”

Ty Lee, who had been silent up until them, content just to watch their conversation, giggled. “You guys are so cute together. I bet you’d make an adorable couple!”

Zuko looked away from the pink clad girl, a blush staining his cheeks. He hadn’t really meant it that way- after all, he’d only just first talked to Mai a few minutes ago- but…

When he glanced at Mai, her cheeks were pink stained too, and she refused to meet his gaze. Trying to make his new friend feel better, he quickly said, “Maybe. But I think we should be friends first. What if Mai…” he looked around conspiratorially and dropped his voice to a whisper. “What if Mai has cooties?”

Ty Lee rolled her eyes. “Girls don’t have cooties, Zuko, don’t be silly.”

“I don’t know about that. I have a little sister, Azula, and she  _ definitely  _ has cooties.”

“Yeah well I have six sisters, and none of _them_ have cooties!” she shot back fiercely and crossed her arms. 

“I agree with Ty Lee,” Mai added. “My little brother is only a few months old, but… He’s pretty icky, so I think it’s boys who have cooties.”

They descended into a furious argument, going back and forth about who it was that actually had cooties (Mai eventually asked if vampires had them, to which Zuko steadfastly argued they didn’t-  _ You can’t have cooties if you’re dead, Mai, that doesn’t make any sense! _ ), and out of it, a firm friendship between the three of them was born. 

From then on, they were practically inseparable. The three of them (which became four when Azula adopted Mai and Ty Lee as her best friends, too) spent as much time together as they could, while juggling the busy school load of a couple of fourth graders, as well as piano lessons, soccer, karate classes, and all their other extracurriculars. On the weekends, they would get lunch together with all of their moms. When it was Zuko’s birthday, Mai and Ty Lee were the first two people he invited.

Mai was definitely his best friend, though. He liked Ty Lee, of course- it was practically impossible not to, when she was so nice and did cool gymnastics tricks during recess- but sometimes she was just a little too hyper for Zuko. With Mai, at least he could sit in silence as they both read their own books, happy just to spend time together.

Eventually, as it goes at that age, everyone began teasing them about liking each other. Whenever they were together, their peers would laugh at them and make kissy faces, or make a heart around them with their hands, or find ways to make them hug each other. Or they’d ask when they’d just start holding hands already, or make jokes about them swapping cooties with each other, or sing the song about “Mai and Zuko, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

He and Mai would always look at each other with pink stained cheeks, just like they had that day they became friends, and laugh awkwardly, though a small part of Zuko suspected it was for different reasons.

He thought Mai probably liked him, considering how she was always blushing and how shy she was around him, sometimes. But Zuko was blushing for another reason, which was that he… Didn’t like Mai like that. He didn’t think he  _ could _ , really. He knew he should, because she was nice and smart and pretty, but hard as he tried, he couldn’t find anything in his heart except friendship for the girl, because she was just that- a girl. 

It was something he’d been discovering about himself recently- while his peers who were also boys all seemed to want to get a girlfriend, he couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to hold another boy’s hand. When he read stories about princes and princesses, he couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to be in the place of the princess, and get rescued by the prince. When other boys talked about pretty girls in their class, he couldn’t help but think the boys were all prettier. When they looked at him and Mai and saw a couple, he looked at Mai and himself and saw nothing but a couple of friends.

He kept his secret, though, because he’d heard what his father said about boys who liked boys and girls who liked girls. He didn’t always understand what he was saying, being as young as he was, but even Zuko knew his father’s cries of men with sick perversions and women who were just confused meant bad things. 

⃟⃟⃟

For four years, Zuko kept his secret, even though he became more and more certain that he was gay with every day that passed by.

Despite that, when he was eleven, he ended up asking Mai out. He knew it wasn’t fair to her, considering how much she seemed to like him, but… He didn’t know what else to do. Their friend’s teasing got more and more unbearable with each day, while his father’s rants about people who loved others of their own gender grew more and more impassioned and rage fueled (he didn’t fully agree, but his father was older and wiser than him, so what he said must be true… right?).

It wasn’t an easy secret to keep, though. 

He longed to tell Mai so that she knew  _ why  _ he didn’t return her feelings for him, but everytime he tried, his father’s voice rang in his ears and stopped him.

And so he continued to date Mai, and he continued to keep his dreadful secret. 

At least, until they were twelve.

It was Azula’s eleventh birthday, and they were having a grand party. Their father had pulled out all the stops for his daughter, and they had invited most of Azula’s class to celebrate. The jumping castle had been played on, the cake eaten, and Azula’s favorite movie watched, but there was still another hour until the end of the party, so Azula cried out, “We should play Truth or Dare!”

The group of children agreed eagerly and formed a circle in the middle of the room. They went around, giving out harmless dares like  _ do a handstand _ and asking playful truths like  _ who do you like. _

When it got to be Azula’s turn to ask someone, she looked at Zuko without hesitation and asked with a devilish grin, “Dare or dare?”

“What? Azula, those aren’t the rules!” he objected, looking at her in confusion. It wasn’t like her to change the rules like this- she always followed rules closely, since it was what their father expected- so he didn’t understand what she was doing. 

“It’s my birthday, Zuzu, I get to make the rules!” She huffed, crossing her arms. “ _ So _ … dare or dare?”

With an eye roll he sighed, “Fine. Dare.”

“I dare you to kiss Mai.”

The room erupted in shouts and laughter as soon as she said it, but it all sounded quiet to Zuko. “What?” he asked dumbly, ignoring Mai’s glance she shot his way.

“I said,  _ I dare you to kiss Mai _ .”

Zuko’s palms were sweaty as he looked around the circle at all the people watching, but he knew it was useless. Azula had a smug smirk on her face, the one she got when she was being particularly mischievous and stubborn, so there was… There was no escaping this. With a deep breath, he turned to his girlfriend.

“Are you okay with this?” he asked her quietly, praying she’d say no.

“Yeah,” she shrugged. “Of course I am.” She sounded bored, though he could tell she was just hiding her true feelings about it- what those were, though, he couldn’t really tell. 

He blinked slowly, gathering his courage, and forced a smile when he opened his eyes again. The room was quiet as they leaned in towards each other, but Zuko’s mind was yelling at him.  _ This isn't right _ , he thought in a panic, moving forward towards her as if in slow motion. Mai wasn’t a boy. He didn’t want to take Mai’s first kiss when he wasn’t even… When he didn’t want to kiss her. He’d lied enough to her already. 

With a start, he pulled away just before their lips touched. “Wait,” he gasped, looking at Azula from across the circle. “Do we have to do it here? Or can we… Can we go somewhere else? Somewhere private.”

Azula smirked, predictably, and nodded. “Fine. As long as it happens, I don’t care.”

He sighed with relief and grabbed Mai’s hand, yanking her up and away from the circle, down the hallway, and into his room. He shut the door firmly and slumped against it, burying his head in his hands. Against his wishes, hot tears of humiliation and shame began to fall from his eyes.

“Zuko?” Mai asked, placing a gentle hand on his arm and kneeling in front of him. “Are you… Okay? What happened?”

“I’m sorry Mai, I’ve been lying to you for so long,” he sobbed. “I’ve been such a horrible friend, and I’m sorry, please don’t hate me! I know it was mean, I  _ know _ it was, but I had to, otherwise Father will be mad-“

“Hey, shh,” she soothed him, settling down in front of him, her own knees pressing into his. “Can you breathe for me?”

He tried to take a deep breath, but choked on his tears that wouldn’t stop falling.

“Okay, that’s fine. Here, why don’t we breathe together? We’ll start out easy. Just in and out, nice and slow, together.”

He nodded, and she grabbed his hands with her own as she began to breathe slowly. Every time she breathed in, she squeezed his hands tightly, and every time she breathed out, her grip on him loosened. It took a while, but eventually, his tears slowed enough that he was able to follow along with her, following the same pattern of breathing and squeezing. It was silent in the room except for his occasional sniffle and the sounds of their breathing, but it was nice, and gave him time to come back to himself and figure out what it was that he was going to say to her.

“Hey,” she said softly when she saw he was finally calm. “Are you okay, Zu?”

“I-” he sighed. “Not really. There’s something I need to tell you, Mai.”

“Okay. You know you can always tell me anything, Zuko,” she reassured him.

He knew it was true, but anxiety still prickled beneath his skin and he found himself unable to look at her, so he kept his gaze fixed on where their fingers were intertwined, Mai’s slender fingers fitting smoothly between his own.

“I… You’re my best friend, Mai, you know that. But I don’t… I don’t think I feel the same way about you as you do me. I don’t know if I ever will. And it’s not because of you, I promise. You’re kind and smart and pretty, it’s just that… Well, I don’t really like girls, I guess.” With one last deep breath, he whispered into the silent room what he’d only ever said in his brain. “I’m gay.”

He closed his eyes tightly, just to put off seeing the heartbreak and disgust that was no doubt written over her face. He wished he could cover his ears, too, but she wouldn’t let go of his hands, so he had no choice but to hear her-

_ Laugh _ ?

He looked up in confusion at the sound. Sure enough, Mai was laughing, except it wasn’t… It wasn’t cruel or unkind, just fondly amused.

“Zuko, it’s okay,” she said, placing a hand on his cheek. “I understand. I… I like girls.”

His eyes widened comically. “But- You- Every time someone brought up kissing, you blushed. I thought it was because you… Wanted that,” he finished lamely.

“I was embarrassed! I always blushed because I thought  _ you _ wanted that, and I was nervous to say I didn’t.”

“Oh,” he said with a dumb smile on his face. Mai… Mai understood. She wasn’t angry, or upset, or hurt, like he’d feared she’d be. “So we’ve both been thinking the same thing about each other, then?”

“Sounds like it.”

“Huh.”

Mai moved away, settling next to him in an identical position, her shoulder pressed firmly against his. “My parents aren’t… I think they know, or at least suspect, and I can tell they aren’t happy.”

“My dad would be furious if he found out,” he confessed quietly. “It’s why I asked you out.”

“It’s why I said yes.”

They shared a small smile, one that spoke of shared secrets and deep sadness, of understanding and love, and Mai leaned her head onto his shoulder. Zuko closed his eyes, basking in the moment. For so long, Mai had been the one person he could be himself around, and she herself around him. That had been tainted by his secret, and he supposed her’s, but now that both they had told each other the truth maybe things could go back to normal. 

There was still the fact that around everyone else they couldn’t be themselves, but maybe if he had Mai at his side, it would be okay.

For one blissful moment, with his best friend at his side, he let himself believe it.

⃟⃟⃟

When he was thirteen, he found himself harboring a crush on a boy in his class named Jet. With his shaggy hair and bright smiles, his easy laughter and relaxed confidence, his wild enthusiasm and effortless charisma, he was everything Zuko wasn’t, and everything Zuko liked.

Jet wasn’t particularly shy about letting Zuko know that he liked him, either, and after just a few weeks of being friends, Jet asked him out. Zuko agreed enthusiastically, and their first date was a trip to his Uncle’s tea shop. They spent hours there, just talking to each other, and he was happier than he could ever remember being.

It became their thing to go to the Jasmine Dragon for their dates, and for a few hours Zuko was able to forget about what had been happening in his life recently- his mother’s death, his cousin’s deployment, his father’s worsening rage… Jet made all of that weight he carried with himself fade away.

He knew his father would be furious if he ever found out about his boyfriend, but they were careful. 

Or at least, he thought they were.

⃟⃟⃟

The day he realized they hadn’t been as careful as they’d thought started out bad, and quickly got worse.

It started, naturally, with a breakup. 

Zuko didn’t want to break up with Jet, not really. He liked him, truly, but he couldn’t help but feel like it wasn’t in the same way that Jet liked him. Because Jet, recently, had brought up kissing. 

It had been a perfectly innocent question, just a quiet,  _ “Can I kiss you?” _ muttered into Zuko’s hair as they hugged goodbye under the tree a few blocks away from the Jasmine Dragon after that day’s date, which had masqueraded as a study session.

Zuko, inexplicably, had frozen. He didn’t know how to explain it, or why, but the thought of kissing Jet sent him into a panic.

Jet, astute as always, pulled away from the hug and murmured, “It’s okay if not, Zuko. You don’t have to answer me now. It’s okay if you aren’t ready. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about, but I can wait.”

He’d just nodded, a frog in his throat, and ran away from Jet without saying a single word, both his mind and heart racing. Zuko couldn’t say that he’d ever wanted to kiss someone- he’d certainly never wanted to kiss Jin, but he’d chalked that up to the fact that they had been four year olds. When he went to kiss Mai, he hadn’t been able to because he didn’t want to kiss girls. But now a boy- and a boy he really liked, at that- was asking to kiss Zuko, and he didn’t want to. In fact, the thought kind of… revolted him. He thought about kissing Jet, about sharing that moment with him, and… Shivers erupted down his back and he winced. He couldn't even imagine it.

Guilt had washed over, a clammy blanket covering every inch of his body, and stumped him. Everyone liked kissing, he thought. It was in all the movies and the tv shows, in the plays he’d read with his mother, in the books he read after school… So if he didn’t want to kiss Jet, but Jet wanted to kiss him, then clearly… Clearly, Zuko didn’t like him the same way, and he must be a terrible boyfriend. He swallowed thickly, knowing what had to come next, and the next day he found himself in front of Jet, shifting from foot to foot nervously.

“Hey, Zuko,” Jet smiled widely, socking his arm softly. It was their code for when they were in public and they couldn’t hug, and Zuko returned it half heartedly. Jet noticed and with a furrowed brow, inquired, “Zuko?”

“Um, there’s something… There’s something I need to talk to you about, Jet. I think we should break up,” he said weakly.

Jet was silent, and Zuko looked up from his feet to see his eyes had filled with tears that made his dark brown eyes glitter. His heart clenched in pain at the sight, but he powered on.

“I really like you, Jet, I just don’t know that I… That I feel the same way about you, as you do me.”

“What? Zuko-”

“I’m sorry, Jet,” he blurted out. “It’s not because of you, I promise. There’s just… There’s something wrong with me, I think, and I-”

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Jet said seriously. “I… I don’t understand where this is coming from, but if it’s what you want, then that’s fine. It’s fine,” he repeated. His eyes searched Zuko’s in earnest, as if to make sure that he knew he meant what he said. 

Zuko looked away, overcome with emotion, and nodded. “Okay. Do you think… Do you think we could still be friends?”

“Of course, Zuko. Always.” Just then, the bell rang, and Jet gave him a small smile. “I have to go to class now, but I mean it. You’ll always be my friend.”

He nodded slightly and watched Jet go, feeling so sad, so alone, and most of all, so angry with himself. 

If he was just normal, he could still be with Jet. But instead… He sighed and went to class with a storm of anger and sadness wrecking havoc in his heart.

When he got home from school, he had every intention of going to his room and locking himself away to cry, but his father’s voice stopped him.

“Zuko, come here.”

The order came from the open door of his office, floating down the hall as if carried by a strong wind, and the hairs on the back of his neck stood up. It was too calm, especially for his father, which meant… Which meant Zuko had done something wrong, and his father was angry.

He stepped into the doorway with fake serenity, desperate to hide the storm inside him, and bowed deeply. “Yes, Father?”

“What is this?”

Zuko stepped up to the large desk, peering down at the picture his father had shoved forwards, and the earth seemed to fall out from under his feet. Because there on the desk in front of him was a photograph, clearly taken yesterday, of Zuko and Jet behind their tree. They wrapped up in a tight hug that was impossible to pass off as being shared between two friends. Zuko’s face was tilted towards the camera and he had a serene smile on his face, eyes closed in happiness, and a blush stained his cheeks. He looked… He looked happy, and a tear slipped from his eye before he could stop it.

His father’s eyes tracked it down his cheek, gaze cold and face impassively stony. “I see.” He stood from his desk and walked around so that he was in front of Zuko, a black clad figure towering above him, and fear spiked in his heart. “I thought I taught you better than this, Zuko.”

“I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t-”

“You’re sick, Zuko, and you’ve dishonored this family with your illness. What do you think your mother would say, if she could see how you treated this boy? Do you think she’d be proud to see you giving into such a disgusting desire?” 

He spoke slowly, deliberately, and softly, and it was almost worse than if he’d been yelling. Because this way, every word sank into Zuko’s heart, tiny daggers that his father had sharpened to hit him right in his most vulnerable spots. 

Zuko was crying in earnest now and he sank to the floor, pleading on his knees in front of his father, “Please Father, I didn’t mean it. It won’t happen again, I promise.”

“You’re right. It won’t.”

Zuko looked up just in time to see his father’s hand, heavy with rings, coming down towards his face.

And then the world went black.

⃟⃟⃟

When he woke up, he was in a hospital bed, with Uncle Iroh on one side of him, Azula on the other, and his left eye was covered in thick white bandages.

“You’re never going back to him again, Zuko,” his uncle whispered, pressing a kiss that was wet with tears to his knuckles. “I will keep you-  _ both of you _ \- safe. I promise.”

⃟⃟⃟

After that, Zuko retreated into himself. 

He threw himself into his studies as he finished junior high and moved into high school, doing all he could to keep his grades as perfect, or close to it, as he could get. He started working for his uncle at the tea shop, doing simple tasks like stocking shelves and helping him bring tea to the customers. He threw himself into theatre, playing any role that he could get or taking whatever technical position they needed filled. 

Whatever he could do to pretend he wasn’t himself for a few hours, that he didn’t have a horrible scar on his face from his father’s rings, that he didn’t still remember how he’d shivered when he’d imagined kissing Jet.

⃟⃟⃟

Over time, things got a bit easier. His memories of the night he got his scar stuck with him, and he heard his father’s cold voice echoing in his head more than he ever wanted to, but… it got easier.

Uncle helped a lot, in whatever way he could. He got Zuko a therapist, a man he was friends with named Jeong Jeong. He came across as gruff and unhappy at first, but once Zuko got more comfortable around him, he actually really liked the grey haired man and began looking forward to their lessons. Jeong Jeong helped him work through his grief surrounding his mother’s death, as well as what he suffered at the hands of his father, and gradually, he began to heal. Uncle Iroh also gave Zuko an official job at the Jasmine Dragon once he was old enough, letting him work the cashier and serve tea to keep him moving and interacting with people. He even let him go back to training with dual swords with Piandao, his old sensei, who his father had refused to let him see after he married his husband- who was, coincidentally, Jeong Jeong.

( _ “All old people know each other, Zuko,” Uncle had smirked when Zuko had finally made the connection between his swordmaster and his therapist. “You should know that by now.” _ )

He spent a lot of time with Azula, too, who was easing up now that she wasn’t under their father’s influence anymore, and they shared a special moment of bonding when Azula revealed that she herself was lesbian. It had been an emotional conversation, and one that Zuko often found himself thinking back on when his father’s voice echoed in his head.

( _ “Being gay can’t be dishonorable, Zuzu, because everything about me is perfect,” Azula would always saying teasingly whenever he would wake her up, trembling from nightmares, before pulling him close and hugging him tight. It was a strange way to comfort him, maybe, but it was Azula’s way, and it always worked. _ )

And then there were Mai and Ty Lee, who despite everything that had happened, were still his best friends. They helped him come to terms with his sexuality, especially once they started dating, and he found himself comforted whenever they were around him. They served as a reminder that he wasn’t alone, that there were other people around him who were gay too, and they’d found happiness. Despite their obstacles- whether it was the harsh expectations placed upon them by family or the constant strive to deem themselves worthy amongst six sisters- they’d found each other.

And yet he couldn’t feel that there was something missing, something about himself that he didn’t understand. 

Because as they got older, and high school turned into university and more and more of his friends began dating and exploring their urges, Zuko just… Didn’t. He didn’t have crushes, he didn’t have any interest in kissing, he didn’t have the urge to explore another’s body (or even his own, really). 

No one else seemed to share that feeling, though, so when the conversations turned to those topics, he simply smiled and nodded, trying to stamp down his discomfort. 

Inside though, he found himself alone once again, feeling more and more like something was wrong with him as each day passed.

⃟⃟⃟

Zuko met Toph Beifong in his junior year of university, working on the set construction for that fall’s mainstage play,  _ Love Amongst the Dragon _ . 

She was two years younger than him and was only in her first year of university, but she was a natural in the shop, and the best welder the department had. Despite her blindness, she knew her way around the various power tools, wood, and- more importantly for this set- welding equipment and metalwork with an ease that was frankly scary. Zuko was assigned to work with her on building the intricate system of metal railings and precipices, just in case she needed extra hands- or, as she phrased it, “to be his eyes” and keep her from “burning anyone’s hands off.”

She was spunky and quick witted, and working alongside her was the highlight of Zuko’s day. They teased each other mercilessly, laughing boisterously over the sound of metal grinders and sparks flying from the welder, and he was proud to call her one of his four best friends. 

They were on their lunch break, sharing a box of pork dumplings that Uncle Iroh had made, when Toph asked, “So Sparky, do you have a girlfriend?”

“I’m actually gay, so… No.”

She snorted and lazily reached over for another dumpling. “I suspected as much, I just didn’t want to ask you outright. Do you have a boyfriend, then?”

He grimaced, even though she couldn’t see it. “Uh… No. There isn’t really anyone who catches my eye like that, so… No.”

“Not even a crush?”

He sighed at the question. “I don’t really get crushes all that often, honestly. Relationships aren’t really...” He trailed off, unsure of how to phrase it.

“Relationships aren’t what?” She asked, though her voice was uncharacteristically gentle. “Do you even want a boyfriend, do you think?” 

It was clear she was getting at something, even going so far as to set down her chopsticks and forget about the dumplings as he began to speak.

“I would like to have a boyfriend, yeah. But it’s not… I don’t really have the same desires from a relationship as everyone else seems to? Like… Kissing and sex and… All that. I don’t know, it sounds stupid.”

“I don’t think it sounds stupid at all. In fact... Want to know a secret?”

“Sure?” He asked, lost at the sudden change of topic.

“I don’t want to be in a relationship at all. Never have. I’ve never even had a crush before.”

“What? Not even one?”

“Nope.” She popped the p, drumming her fingers on her knee. “I’ve never really connected to the idea of growing up and falling in love and getting married and having kids. When I imagined my future, it was just me, a couple of dogs or something, and my friends, with no romantic partner in sight- even when I was a little kid. And what do you know, it turns out that I’m not alone in that. There’s a whole identity- aromantic- out there that’s centered around just that; not experiencing romantic attraction and not wanting to have romantic relationships.” 

“Oh. I’ve never… I’ve never heard of it.”

She huffed, blowing her bangs off of her forehead in frustrated amusement. “Yeah, not many have, even though it’s as much a part of the queer community as being gay or trans... Or asexual.”

He’d never heard the last word, but at the sound of it, something jumped inside him and his heart began to race. “Asexual? What’s that?”

She smirked slightly at his interest, and he suspected this was where she’d been trying to get this whole time. “Well, it has a lot of subtypes and stuff, but generally speaking it’s when someone doesn’t have any interest in sexual activity, or doesn’t experience sexual attraction.”

He paused, looking sideways at her, as the words struck a chord somewhere deep within him. It was the first time he’d heard the word, and he didn’t know anything besides what she’d just said, but even still it seemed… Right, somehow.

She continued, “It varies a lot from person to person, just like aromanticism. For example, some people don’t even kiss, because they see it as being sexual. For others, it means kissing is okay, but anything past that is uncomfortable or even repulsing. Some people only experience that type of attraction with people they have a very deep emotional connection with, others with very low intensity, and others not at all.... There’s a lot more to it than that, but that’s the general idea of what being ace means.”

He sat in shocked silence, mind racing. What Toph was describing sounded like… It sounded like _ him _ . When he spoke, his voice was tight and high pitched. “And it’s… It’s common?”

She chuckled softly, an undeniable hint of fondness behind it, just like Mai had laughed all those years ago when he told her he was gay. “Yeah, it’s actually more common than you might expect.” Hesitantly she suggested, “Maybe you should try looking up some stuff about it online. That’s how I learned about aromanticism, so maybe it would help you too.”

There weren’t enough words to describe how grateful he was to her for giving him a name for what he’d been feeling all these years- or at least an idea of where to start searching for a name- so he just choked out, “Thank you, Toph.”

He flung his arms around her, even though he knew she wasn’t big on hugs; he just didn’t know how else to say or show what he was feeling. 

She smiled into his shoulder, and hugged him right back.

⃟⃟⃟

After figuring out that he was ace, it was as if all the missing puzzle pieces from his life just… slotted into place, and suddenly everything made sense. 

How he found people attractive, but he’d always been more drawn to their personalities rather than their looks. His discomfort at intimate scenes in television and movies. The uncomfortable prickle under his skin when his peers mentioned their own love lifes, and all the dirty details that came with it. Why when Jet had asked to kiss him, he’d wanted to crawl out of his skin.

All his life, that word for what he felt had been missing, but now that he had it… 

It settled over him like it was a well worn glove, and he was finally happy.

⃟⃟⃟

And then…. Then there was Sokka.

When they first met, at Toph’s nineteenth birthday party a few months after _ Love Amongst the Dragons _ , Zuko didn’t initially know what to think of him. He was loud and vibrant in a way that he was unfamiliar with, settling into the center of attention as if it was the most natural thing in the world for him. He was funny, too, cracking jokes that had every single person laughing to the point of the tears. 

He seemed like the kind of person who wouldn’t bother to talk to Zuko, who was standing at the food table awkwardly as he took a break from the rambunctious game of Cards Against Humanity that was going on, but he was easily proven wrong when Sokka joined him and didn’t hesitate to introduce himself with a blinding smile.

“Hi! I’m Sokka. You’re Zuko, right? I wanted to come talk to you earlier, but I was reading Toph’s cards to her, so I didn’t get to,” he laughed as he filled his plate with food. 

“Uh, yeah, I am,” he stuttered, surprised by the nonchalant way that Sokka began talking to him. And that he apparently knew his name. And that he  _ wanted _ to come talk to him. 

“Oh, awesome! It’s great to meet you, especially since Toph has told us so much about you. It sounds like you guys had a lot of fun working on the set for  _ Love Amongst the Dragons _ a few months ago.”

He relaxed at the mention of the play and smiled widely. “Oh, yeah, it was great. I mean, Toph’s absolutely brilliant and the set design that Teo did was genius, so it was really fun to build. I’m really glad that we became friends through it.”

“You know Teo?” Sokka’s eyes- a vibrant blue that Zuko couldn’t stop looking at, no matter how hard he tried- lit up with excitement. “No way! He’s in my engineering program with me. I didn’t know he did theatre, too.”

He laughed alongside him. “Yeah, he’s an amazing set designer. He uses his engineering skills in his designs, so he’s done some crazy things that I didn’t even know were possible.”

“Man, I’m disappointed I had to miss seeing the show since I was studying so hard for midterms. I’m sure it was amazing.”

They settled into an easy conversation from there, spending the entire night at each other’s side, and suddenly Zuko had a new best friend.

And, just as suddenly, the first crush he’d had in nearly seven years. 

Somehow, he didn’t mind. And somehow, he wasn’t surprised that it had happened.

Because Sokka… Sokka was all consuming, like a black hole, drawing him closer and closer with every joke and smile, every brush of their hands and invitation to study, every text message and light hearted tease. It wasn’t just that he was beautiful and that his bright blue eyes, strong jaw, and soft smiles made his aesthetic attraction kick into gear. He was also just so… kind, and intelligent, and  _ warm _ . 

He’d get going on these rants sometimes, passionate speeches about a mathematical concept or scientific discovery or some other thing that Zuko didn’t understand, but he could listen to him all day; even if only to hear the excited tilt to his voice, to watch the animated gesturing of his hands, to see his bashful smile when he realized Zuko had no clue what he was talking about. 

He felt  _ alive _ when he was near Sokka, and if Sokka’s blushes and the fact that whenever Zuko looked at him, his blue eyes were already fixed on him were any indication, he felt the same.

Still, though, nothing came out of it. They were both absorbed in school, studying for midterms, then finals, until suddenly it was summer, and they both had nothing to do but spend time together.

Well, technically Zuko had to work at the Jasmine Dragon, but Sokka was always there with him, leaning against the counter and talking with him as he prepared tea after tea. It was a little distracting, Zuko couldn’t lie, but it made his heart beat ferociously to see him there. He knew that there were other things Sokka could be doing in his spare time, and still he chose to spend it with Zuko. He never mentioned it. 

It was good he didn’t, too, because they were in the Jasmine Dragon when Sokka asked him out.

“-I mean, I can’t blame Mai for beating that guy up. Can you  _ believe _ that guy said something like that to Ty Lee? Who even says that?” He was telling Sokka about how Mai had beaten up a guy who had cat called Ty Lee, moving around behind the counter to prepare a pot of jasmine tea for a group that had just come in as he did. “Anyways, Ty Lee basically had to pull Mai off of him, but she still managed to break his nose. Which, good for her, you know? Guys need to learn that just because-”

“Go on a date with me,” Sokka interrupted.

Zuko paused, turning to look at him with his jaw dropped anda teapot clutched in his hand. Sokka was leaning forward with his elbows on the counter, hands propping up his chin, and he had a dopey smile on his face as he watched him. He didn’t even seem aware he’d said anything, so he said carefully, “Uh, what?”

“Go on a date with me. Please,” he added.

Oh. So he  _ did _ know what he’d said, and this was actually happening. His heart began racing with excitement at the thought, and he couldn’t fight the wide grin that spread across his face. With an eager nod, he responded, “Yeah. Yes. Of course I will, Sokka!”

Sokka slapped the counter in excitement and stood up, walking backwards to the door. 

“Great. I’ll- whoops, sorry,” he muttered as he bumped an empty chair with his hip, “-Uh, I’ll see you tonight? Pick you up here at seven?”

Zuko smiled, still holding the teapot in his hand dumbly. “Sounds great, Sokka.”

“See you then.”

“See you then,” he echoed happily.

⃟⃟⃟

For the first month of dating Sokka, everything was perfect. They still flirted awkwardly over snapchat, Sokka still told lame jokes, and Zuko still laughed harder at them then he should have. There were added benefits, of course, like the fact that he got to call Sokka his boyfriend, and hug him whenever he wanted, and hold his hand, and reach over to wrap his arm around his waist, and no one even blinked twice.

(Well, Katara teased them about being oogie, but that was… That was okay. Zuko could handle being oogie, because he was happy.)

After a month, though, that perfect world Zuko’d lost himself in faded away, like all perfect things seemed to do.

They were standing in front of Zuko’s apartment door after their date- Sokka had taken them to a field far outside of the city, where they’d had a picnic dinner and stargazed together- and his boyfriend was holding both of his hands loosely in his own, swinging them back and forth as they whispered to each other softly since it was so late.

“I had a really nice time tonight,” Zuko murmured. “I’ve never seen a night sky that was that clear before. It was beautiful.”

Sokka’s answering smile was as bright as the stars had been. “I’m glad you liked it. I hoped you would, but I was still sort of unsure about it.”

“You know I love everything we do together, Sokka,” he confessed softly. It was true- that feeling of being alive when he was around him hadn’t faded in the slightest; if anything, it had only gotten stronger as they spent more and more time together, and he loved it.

Sokka’s grin grew even wider, before something flickered in his eyes, and it slipped away into a soft, easy expression. Zuko cocked his head at him, curious about what was going through his mind, when he noticed that Sokka was leaning closer, that his eyes were slipping shut, his lips parting-

_ Oh _ . He was going to kiss him.

In a panic, Zuko did the only thing he could think to do- he buried his head in Sokka’s chest, wrapping him in a tight hug and squeezing his eyes shut so hard that brightly colored spots danced along his eyelids.

“Uh…” Sokka hummed in uncertainty. “Zuko? What are you doing?”

What was he doing, indeed? He hadn’t told Sokka he was ace yet since it never seemed to be the right moment, and now his secret was coming to bite him in the ass. He hadn’t told Sokka yet, and now he wanted to kiss him, and Zuko was going to have to tell him the truth, disappointing Sokka, and he’d break up with him, and then Zuko would be all alone again-

There was a strangled sound that broke him out of his thoughts, and it took him a minute to realize he was sobbing into Sokka’s chest, fingers twisted tightly in his jacket, and that Sokka was trying to soothe him carefully.

“It’s alright, Zuko, just let it out.”

At his words, the tears came even harder, and didn’t stop until he’d run out of water to shed.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled into Sokka’s chest eventually. 

He wasn’t sure what exactly he was apologizing for- if it was for being ace, or for not telling Sokka, or for bursting into tears, or for the fact that he had probably ruined his jacket with his uncontrollable tears- but it didn’t seem to matter.

“Hey, don’t apologize. Sometimes you just need to cry, yeah?”

He nodded weakly, still refusing to open his eyes. “Yeah.”

“Is it…” Sokka sighed heavily and his hand began tracing patterns on Zuko’s back. “Is it because I tried to kiss you?”

Zuko’s entire body tensed.  _ Had he guessed that Zuko was _ …

Sokka, perceptive as always, noticed. “Oh Zuko, I’m sorry. I should have asked. I just got excited, you know? I’m sorry if it was too soon.”

_ He thinks I freaked because it was too soon _ , Zuko thought to himself, relaxing slightly. “Uh, no… It wasn’t that it was too soon.” 

“O- Oh. Um… Do you want to talk about it, then?”

He knew he needed to- that he needed to tell Sokka the truth before it was too late- but right now, he was just… Tired. He was deeply, deeply tired, and his face was itchy with dried tears, and his arms hurt from squeezing his boyfriend so tight, and he wanted nothing more to crawl into bed.

“Not right now,” he mumbled. “I’ll tell you later. I promise.”

⃟⃟⃟

Except later never came, because Zuko always managed to find a way to avoid the conversation; he was working, or he was able to distract Sokka with something else, or because it was late at night and they were both tired.

Whatever his excuse was, Zuko continued putting off the conversation.

He had to tell him, he was aware, but Sokka was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and he wanted to hold onto him just a little longer before he told him and lost him forever.

Because that was the only outcome that Zuko could see. Sokka deserved someone who could give him all that he needed and wanted, and that person just… That person wasn’t Zuko, and that wasn’t going to change.

And so Sokka kept asking, and Zuko kept putting it off.

⃟⃟⃟

“Can I kiss you?” Sokka asked once again, this time over the soft music coming over the speaker as they danced together slowly, barefoot in Zuko’s kitchen.

He pulled away from Sokka with a heavy sigh, and looked anywhere but his eyes. “I have something I need to tell you, Sokka.”

Sokka simply grabbed his hand again and led him to his couch, a crappy two seater that was sagging in the middle and had been shredded to bits by his cat, and pulled Zuko down to sit next to him. “Alright, babe. Whenever you’re ready, I’m here. I’ll  _ always  _ listen to you.”

He said it with such conviction, such determination, that Zuko had to close his eyes to keep from crying. He wasn’t ashamed of being ace, but it was times like this, when he was about to lose a person he loved (which, this was really not the time for his brain to drop  _ that _ bombshell), that he wished it was just a little… easier, maybe, to say those words. Or that he had done it sooner, before he reached this point. Or maybe he wished they lived in a world that wasn’t so obsessed with intimate things such as kissing and sex and-

“Zuko?”

Sokka’s voice yanked him away from his thoughts.

“Oh,” he murmured, eyes flickering to Sokka, who was gazing at him with welcoming eyes. “Right. Sorry.”

“It’s okay, I just wanted to make sure you weren’t falling asleep or something.”

“No, no, I was just thinking. Um, so… I’m sure you’ve noticed I’m weird about kissing.”

“Yeah, a little bit.” There was no bite to his words, just open honesty, and Sokka squeezed Zuko’s hand.

“So that’s because I’m…” A deep breath. “Have you heard of the term asexuality?”

“I think so? That’s when you aren’t sexually attracted to anyone, right?”

The knot in his stomach eased slightly when he realized he didn’t need to explain everything to Sokka, that he could just say it. “Um, yeah. Yeah, that’s what being ace means. So, I guess what I just need to tell you is that… Is that I’m ace. And for me, kissing and anything beyond that is very uninteresting and uncomfortable. Even disgusting, in some cases. That’s why I don’t really want to kiss you- not because I don’t like you, or whatever, it’s just… Not something I want.”

“Oh Tui, Zuko,” He sneaked a glance over at Sokka, preparing for disgust or anger or confusion, only to see clear understanding and something like regret lining his face. “Zuko, babe, I am so sorry, I didn’t know. If I did, I  _ never _ would have put you in that position where I made you uncomfortable. I’m… Spirits, I feel so bad.”

Zuko blinked, the air knocked out of his lungs. “You aren’t… You aren’t mad? Or disappointed?”

“What? Zuko, no. Why would I be mad that you’re ace?”

“Because you’re… I’ll never…” He groaned in frustration and got to his feet to begin pacing in front of the couch. “I’m not going to be able to give you what you need, Sokka! Or what you want, or whatever. I’m not going to be able to kiss you, or to… be intimate with you, or anything like that! That’s not something I want, and it’s not something I can change! And I led you on, and made you believe that it was a possibility, when it  _ isn’t _ .”

Sokka watched him with sorrow filled eyes. “Zuko, it’s  _ okay _ .”

“How is it okay? How are you so calm right now? Don’t you understand that I can’t be- I can’t even  _ hope _ to be- all that you need?”

“Why do you assume to know what I need?” Sokka shot back, though it wasn't angry. He stood up to grab Zuko's hands and look directly into his eyes, halting his pacing. “Listen to me, Zuko. I don’t need to kiss you, or to have sex, or to… Do whatever else. As long as I get to spend time with you and take you on dates and call you my boyfriend, I’m perfectly happy. I’m not dating you for your body or anything like that, I’m dating you because I  _ love _ you.”

Zuko’s brain felt as if it was a spinning top that showed no sign of stopping at Sokka’s words, and he stuttered dumbly, “You- What?”

“I  love you , Zuko. I love dancing with you in your kitchen and taking you to go stargazing. I love watching you make tea and listening to you talk about theatre. I love how you tease Azula relentlessly, but how you’re always there when she needs you. I love how you sing under your breath when we’re in the car because you get shy, but how you belt in the shower when you think I can’t hear you. I love how you take care of Druk, how you fit into our friend group like you were always meant to be there, and I love how you laugh at my stupid jokes when no one else will. I love how kind you are, and how you’re funny without even having to try, and smart, and how you’re just… You’re so  _ you _ , Zuko. If I have to give up one little thing like a kiss to get all the rest of that, then… That seems pretty worth it to me.”

Zuko’s eyes, to his humiliation, began to tear up, his relief and happiness and the love he felt for Sokka overwhelming him.

Sokka seemed to understand, because he just stepped up close and wrapped his arms around Zuko, letting him sink into the embrace as he tried to hold back tears.

“I love you, Sokka,” he laughed wetly. “I love you so much.”

“Oh, Zuko… I love you too. I’m sorry if I ever made you think I wouldn’t want to be with you because you’re ace. And also I’m.. I know I keep saying it, but I’m sorry I kept trying to kiss you, and I’m sorry if you felt pressured to do something you didn’t want to.”

“It’s okay, Sokka. I should have told you sooner, I was just… I was scared. Because I love you, and I don’t want to lose you.”

Sokka’s arms tightened around him protectively. “You won’t lose me, I promise.”

They stayed like that for a long time, just hugging in silence, hearts beating in time, until Sokka spoke again.

“I do have one question for you, though.”

“Yeah?”

“So, no kissing on the lips, no sex, nothing intimate like that, but what about kissing your forehead? Or your cheeks? Would that be okay?”

Zuko blushed and nodded shyly. “Um, yeah. I think that would be… That would be okay. I think I’d like that.”

Sokka grinned, and pulled back just enough that he could lean forward and place a kiss on his forehead. It was feather light, but it was enough that Zuko could feel the warmth of his lips, how they were slightly chapped but still soft, how the spot where he’d kissed him burned like a brand, how his heart raced in his chest, how he hoped fiercely for another.

“So?” Sokka asked tentatively. “What do you think?”

He beamed, and pressed a kiss that was as soft to the tip of Sokka’s nose. “I think that’ll work just fine.”

Sokka laughed and pressed another to his forehead, a little harder this time, again and again and again.

Zuko’s eyes fluttered shut, and he smiled to himself. Maybe this wasn’t normal, maybe it would look weird to an outsider, but… they loved each other, and it would work for them.

As Sokka continued pressing kisses to his forehead and cheeks, as if making up for all the times he’d wanted to kiss him but couldn’t, Zuko thought maybe it was okay if he held onto that hope that he was able to be all that Sokka needed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this fic... It's incredibly important to me, and I hope that you enjoyed it!
> 
> Here are some resources I used to write this, in case anyone is interested or maybe wants to do some research but doesn't know where to start:  
> [Asexual (Trevor Project)](https://www.thetrevorproject.org/trvr_support_center/asexual/)  
> [What It Means to be 'Aromantic,' According to Aromantic People](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/what-does-it-mean-to-be-aromantic_n_5bb501cee4b01470d04de20d)  
> [What Does It Mean to be Both Aromantic and Asexual?](https://www.healthline.com/health/aromantic-asexual#in-relationships)  
> [Aesthetic Attraction and Being on the Asexual Spectrum](http://archermagazine.com.au/2017/04/aesthetic-attraction/)
> 
> As always, leave a comment/kudo and check out my tumblr ([zukosadragon-ace](https://zukosadragon-ace.tumblr.com/%22))!
> 
> Also, once again, please check out Terra's art [here!](https://terracyte.tumblr.com/post/641225619299090432/so-what-do-you-think-i-think-thatll-work)


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